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It terrified me to consider: What if, as a grown-up, I craved another body beside me as still as this one? What then? By Augusten Burroughs

Your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone. By Augusten Burroughs

How could something have no end, and if it had no end exactly where did it leave us? By Augusten Burroughs

I am tired from having lived seventeen different lives, compressed into the space of one. By Augusten Burroughs

Oh, I had a great time. My thirty-three-year-old boyfriend said he wished they could package my cum like ice cream so he could eat it all day. By Augusten Burroughs

I hate news and information and anything that threatens to puncture the bubble of oblivion in which I live. By Augusten Burroughs

We were young. We were bored. And the old electroshock therapy machine was just under the stairs in a box next to the Hoover. By Augusten Burroughs

I wouldn't want to waste any of my brain cells on forgiving if it's holding me back. By Augusten Burroughs

If willpower is required to achieve this goal, that's how you know you don't want it enough on a deep, organic level. Mechanical By Augusten Burroughs

I realized I'd only seen him at night in dim, flattering restaurant lighting. The sun was not his friend. By Augusten Burroughs

You need to grab your dream out of the sky like it's a kite and pinch the string through your fingers until you reach the spool. By Augusten Burroughs

I read The Old Man and the Sea but my eyelids bled from the toothpicks that I used to keep them open. By Augusten Burroughs

Perfectionism is the satin-lined casket of creativity and originality. If By Augusten Burroughs

I saw a monkey walking on a leash and thought it was an ugly foreign child. By Augusten Burroughs

You would be amazed by what you can give up, lose, or break, and yet still be a person who gets happy over brownies. By Augusten Burroughs

Didn't every new thing you did become a part of you, one of your bricks? By Augusten Burroughs

I discovered the bleeding when he licked my hand and left a swath of blood behind, death's autograph. By Augusten Burroughs

You cannot be a prisoner of your past against your will. Because you can only live in the past inside your mind. By Augusten Burroughs

And of course, the answer came to me in the same way Jesus comes to those who drink in trailers: as an epiphany. By Augusten Burroughs

He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don't want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa. By Augusten Burroughs

You must hang onto the scraps of the bucking moment as if your sanity and life depended on it - because actually they do. By Augusten Burroughs

My attraction had been immediate and profound. And it had nothing to do with the way he looked. My attraction was to what resided between his lines. By Augusten Burroughs

I will please shut the hell up the day you please drop the hell dead By Augusten Burroughs

So if you think the job really suits you, be you. By Augusten Burroughs

You manufacture beauty with your mind By Augusten Burroughs

The best person you can be is the person you are when you are alone on a random Thursday. That's who you are. By Augusten Burroughs

Life would be fabric-softener, tuna-salad-on-white, PTA-meeting normal. By Augusten Burroughs

Because here is the truth: If you want to have a chance at meeting somebody with whom you are genuinely compatible, never put your best foot forward. By Augusten Burroughs

The most I would do was use the shadow tool in Photoshop to bring out the muscular rips in my stomach, which were honestly there. Beneath the fat. By Augusten Burroughs

My mother is from Cairo, Georgia. This makes everything she says sound like it went through a curling iron. By Augusten Burroughs

His laugh is made of porch swings and lemonade. By Augusten Burroughs

I really look at my childhood as being one giant rusty tuna can that I continue to recycle in many different shapes. By Augusten Burroughs

In spouse, I mostly hear "S.mouse," the name of Chris Lilley's blackface teenage rapper in Angry Boys. And By Augusten Burroughs

Nobody's trying to kill you, Deirdre. You're killing yourself. By Augusten Burroughs

His laugh is made if porch swings and lemonade By Augusten Burroughs

If you hate life, you haven't seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it's because your life is too small and doesn't fit you. By Augusten Burroughs

I remember, no matter how impossible it seemed that any given day would end, it always did. This one would, too. By Augusten Burroughs

I like it when she's shiny, like a star, like a guest on the Donnie and Marie Show. By Augusten Burroughs

Loss creates a greater overall surface area within a person. You expand as a result of it. Though it may very well feel like the opposite. By Augusten Burroughs

I always tried to learn Greek, but all I got out of it was, "poulaki mou." ["My little chicken."] By Augusten Burroughs

But I am not here ironically; I am here sincerely. By Augusten Burroughs

Being an unhappy person does not mean you must be sad or dark. You can be interested instead of happy. You can be fascinated instead of happy. By Augusten Burroughs

There are times in life when logic and reason and probability must be recognized, but then ignored. By Augusten Burroughs

I would borrow the microphone and stuff it down the front of my pants, examining myself from every angle in the mirror By Augusten Burroughs

Part of me believes that love is more valuable when you have to work for it. By Augusten Burroughs

Maybe one of my problems is I never depend upon the kindness of strangers. By Augusten Burroughs

When you have a blueprint for what happiness is, lay it over your life and see what you need to change so the images are more aligned. By Augusten Burroughs

She was a rare psychotic-confessional-poet strain of salmonella. By Augusten Burroughs

I said all the wrong things. Except when I was busy saying all the mean ones and in the end I hated everybody and everything. By Augusten Burroughs

Real optimism is not the pep talk you give yourself. It is earned through the labor involved in emotional housekeeping. By Augusten Burroughs

It was a salad bar of phobias By Augusten Burroughs

I slipped on a turtleneck, laughing when my head became stuck in the turtle part. If they weren't called turtlenecks, I wouldn't have worn them. By Augusten Burroughs

Hope and God were buddies. Theirs was not a formal relationship steeped in ritual and tradition. It was more of a close yet casual friendship. By Augusten Burroughs

He'd been single for so long, and the more I knew him, the more I saw the loneliness at his core. I felt like I brought him to life. He By Augusten Burroughs

I think I love him, but I also think that you can love people who aren't good for you. By Augusten Burroughs

I felt deeply tricked. Stunned. And furious. I also felt my default emotion: numbness. By Augusten Burroughs

And we were married and all the windows were open but the smell of flowers was so thick and sickly sweet. I felt like I might choke to death. By Augusten Burroughs

When you have your health, you have everything. When you do not have your health, nothing else matters at all. By Augusten Burroughs

My thoughts seem thick, ketchup stuck in a bottle. Like trying to feel someone's face while wearing goosedown mittens. By Augusten Burroughs

Being busy is not the same as being focused. Being focused means being here. By Augusten Burroughs

We did not pass one other Mercury Merkur XR4Ti the entire way. By Augusten Burroughs

Bookman isn't a stable man. He has a lot of problems that run very, very deep. But he was really good at giving head. By Augusten Burroughs

Gone were the days when she would stand on the deck lighting lemon-scented candles without then having to eat the wax By Augusten Burroughs

[My brother] shaped my young life. First, he taught me how to walk. Then, armed with sticks and dead snakes, he chased me and I learned how to run. By Augusten Burroughs

People believe in god because they can't think to be alone. By Augusten Burroughs

Handsome people are always interesting to watch. But a handsome person in crisis is riveting. By Augusten Burroughs

I don't really think of my blog as a real blog. It's a lame blog. It's more like my when-the-mood-strikes update, or smoke signal. By Augusten Burroughs

I think writers tend to be experience junkies, and I think they also tend to want to be on the outside looking in. By Augusten Burroughs

And she's a nurse. do you know how hard nursing school is? it's like medical school. so she's obviously smart. By Augusten Burroughs

In a way, I am a psychological transsexual, always trying to "pass" for a normal person but being clocked every time. By Augusten Burroughs

I suppose home is, for me, more of a state of mind. It's really more of about being where I want to be with people I care about. By Augusten Burroughs

I wish Rick would be gang-raped by a bunch of Muslim garbage collectors. By Augusten Burroughs

Nothing made sense to me anymore. I knew I was young, I knew I was small. But I was worried that I might already be ruined. By Augusten Burroughs

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face. By Augusten Burroughs

The line between normal and crazy seemed impossibly thin. A person would have to be an expert tightrope walker in order not to fall. By Augusten Burroughs

He was raised without a proper diagnosis. By Augusten Burroughs

The Anti-christ of mental health and emotional maturity. By Augusten Burroughs

Confidence is a reduction of your own interest in whether others are thinking about you and if so, what they're thinking. By Augusten Burroughs

If you find you require willpower, you aren't ready to lose weight. By Augusten Burroughs

The year I snuck an interracial lesbian couple into the background of an American Airlines commercial, I was feeling particularly flush. By Augusten Burroughs

It's neat how money smells nothing like anything in the world except money, just like cardboard. By Augusten Burroughs

She reminded me of a scatterbrained old Cadillac that had been driven into the ground but somehow kept on starting, without fuss. By Augusten Burroughs

The one thing that will finally make you feel you aren't missing something essential, such as the point. By Augusten Burroughs

Now he was the dish of wrapped peppermints next to the cash register that I didn't want because they were free. Because By Augusten Burroughs

At that moment it would have been easier for me to spontaneously grasp quantum string theory By Augusten Burroughs

We're all going to die eventually so why not have some fun. By Augusten Burroughs

Even though I am wary of Nature. After all, where do most manhunts for escaped serial killers begin? Exactly. In the woods. By Augusten Burroughs

And I hope she does not live in a dark world. Because even the most terrible loss doesn't have to make you darker; it can make you deeper. By Augusten Burroughs

Decisions are beautiful. They are the evidence of thought and care. Decisions are the polishing cloths of life. By Augusten Burroughs

Despite evidence to the contrary, I hated drinking to the point that I misplaced really big slabs of time. By Augusten Burroughs

I'm a sunflower with a cracked petal. By Augusten Burroughs

All I know for sure is that I have accidentally fallen through a wormhole in the universe and stumbled into someone else's grim life. By Augusten Burroughs

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic. By Augusten Burroughs

Nothing worth having comes easy. By Augusten Burroughs

Where there is nothing, absolutely anything is possible. By Augusten Burroughs

In some ways, blogging is like drinking - it gives a person permission to be a total asshole. By Augusten Burroughs

But my favorite band is Curbside Life, out of Chicago. By Augusten Burroughs

I love to both give and receive very old books. By Augusten Burroughs

We were alone together, we were an us. By Augusten Burroughs

To nobody's surprise, steroid use is common among gay men. When you combine a love for men with a love for drama, you end up with a guy on steroids. By Augusten Burroughs

Our lives are one endless stretch of misery punctuated by processed fast foods and the occasional crisis or amusing curiosity. By Augusten Burroughs

This is what happens when you go against the grain of truth: you get splinters later on. By Augusten Burroughs

You exposed your penis on national television, Max. What am I supposed to do?""I didn't expose it, Howard, it just sort of peeked out. By Augusten Burroughs

He's a really nice guy, if only I weren't me. By Augusten Burroughs

My mistake was in underestimating the emotional force of a song you have already hear a thousand times. By Augusten Burroughs

All of us are richer and more fascinating and more complex than we can ever know. By Augusten Burroughs

I made very good money and spent all of it every week. I lived paycheck to paycheck ... By Augusten Burroughs

Will I end up in Hell along with the Hamburger Helping Hand, Joe Camel and Wendy, the Snapple Lady? By Augusten Burroughs

Reading takes solitude and it takes focus. By Augusten Burroughs

I go to sleep feeling impressed with the powers of the mind. * By Augusten Burroughs

And as soon as I thought this, I tried to think of something else quickly. Because we were so close that I felt sometimes like she could read my mind. By Augusten Burroughs

Truth is not an opinion. It's a force like gravity. It's the most valuable substance known to man. By Augusten Burroughs

I never could have written the screenplay because I would have been forced to learn new software and I can't learn one more thing. By Augusten Burroughs

If you hate your life, you haven't seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it's because your life is too small and it doesn't fit you. By Augusten Burroughs

What you've written isn't a novel. It's a cry for help. I By Augusten Burroughs

I like, though, that people have a hunger to connect with other people. They're desperate to know that you're not lying to them or misleading them. By Augusten Burroughs

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour. By Augusten Burroughs

Awe, I discovered, was my favorite feeling. It was a rare experience, but when it happened, it was like an orgasm for the mind. By Augusten Burroughs

Other people sound flat to my ear; their words just hang in the air. But when my mother says something, the ends curl. By Augusten Burroughs

Life is too huge for you to possibly hate. By Augusten Burroughs

I hate when you play therapist. Especially with your accent. It makes everything you say sound so BBC. By Augusten Burroughs

Augusten very distant tonight. Probably because of my games. By Augusten Burroughs

Everybody in recovery smokes. If you don't like smoking, don't even bother trying to get sober. Just stay drunk. By Augusten Burroughs

We never sampled our drugs because we were afraid of them, but to admit it aloud would have broken the spell. By Augusten Burroughs

Never work with children, puppies or bulimics. By Augusten Burroughs

Pissed-off people need back rubs and they also need gym memberships. By Augusten Burroughs

Part of me felt deep compassion. And another part felt like, You fucker. By Augusten Burroughs

I was learning that if I lived slightly in the future-what will happen next-I didn't have to feel so much about what was going on in the present. By Augusten Burroughs

SEEING THE TRUTH MEANS looking at everything for the first time, every time. By Augusten Burroughs

I'm like the guy who prepares your taxes or a dentist. I'm very conservative and boring in a lot of ways. By Augusten Burroughs

The truth is humbling, terrifying, and often exhilarating. It blows the doors off the hinges and fills the world with fresh air. By Augusten Burroughs

Now I can add prostitute to my list of life's accomplishments. By Augusten Burroughs

No matter how awful something is, you can always sell tickets. By Augusten Burroughs

My brother had very specific likes and dislikes. Basically, he liked anything until it harmed him and then he was wary. By Augusten Burroughs

It was so extraordinarily out of the ordinary. By Augusten Burroughs

All a rainbow is is light that walks behind a raindrop and its colors fall out. By Augusten Burroughs

Nothing surprises me now, I tell him. I am stoic. I am Joan of Arc, with liver damage and an unused penis. By Augusten Burroughs

It's not that I was an outright nitwit of a child. By Augusten Burroughs

The most valuable moments and experiences that life has to offer are found only along its most treacherous paths. By Augusten Burroughs

You weren't heavy at all ... the only weight you carry is on your shoulders. I wish I could carry it for you. By Augusten Burroughs

The more obsessed one is with getting thin, the more certain it becomes that one will never get there. By Augusten Burroughs

Red hair is great. It's rare, and therefore superior. By Augusten Burroughs

I knew that he was as reliable as a mathematical formula. By Augusten Burroughs

Like somebody who was just happy because there was macaroni and cheese in the world. By Augusten Burroughs

I did not consider him to be any kind of a genius. I considered him deeply lacking in the area that mattered most in life. Star quality. By Augusten Burroughs

It is always safe to see yourself truthfully. You never have to be ashamed of yourself, with yourself. By Augusten Burroughs

Like every child, I adored her. Until I formed a brain and got to know her. By Augusten Burroughs

I don't believe in the concept of a soul mate. Because we are all unique, but we're also simply too similar. By Augusten Burroughs

What police officer would dare ticket Death's minivan? By Augusten Burroughs

The unfairness of your current status is unimportant. What matters is, can you do what you need to do? If By Augusten Burroughs

Marriage is overdone. As long as there are people, people are going to find it interesting. By Augusten Burroughs

I don't think it's any more deceptive than wearing four-inch come-fuck-me pumps when one has no intention of ever fucking anybody. By Augusten Burroughs

The air is so clean out here, so fresh. Reminds me of when I was a little girl in Georgia. Then she took More from her pack and lit it. By Augusten Burroughs

Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people. By Augusten Burroughs

What is lint? How does it find hair dryers and navels? By Augusten Burroughs

If you're gay and live in New York and don't go to gym, eventually they come for you. By Augusten Burroughs

Bad news should be followed with soup. Then a nap. By Augusten Burroughs

I had the same worry that we wouldn't later be able to undo whatever it was we were doing to ourselves. By Augusten Burroughs

My life came complete with a factory-installed biological brother seven years my senior. By Augusten Burroughs

My window fogs and this makes me feel like there is no world outside of the car. By Augusten Burroughs

We tried to everything right, now we were forced to do everything wrong and it was working. By Augusten Burroughs

Dutch isn't easy for the outsider to learn, because it's spoken from the back of the throat at the trigger spot for the gag reflex. By Augusten Burroughs

To be more confident you need to give a whole lot less of a shit about that other people think of you. By Augusten Burroughs

But I think I would have been happier if the only thing that came out of his mouth was the sound of a turning page. By Augusten Burroughs

My worth depended on where exactly the decimal was placed among the zeroes. By Augusten Burroughs

The shame is disguised here as helpful. But both people in this conversation would know it was bullying. By Augusten Burroughs

A big, friendly-looking man approaches me. "Hey, I'm Bobby," he says with a thick Baltimore accent, " ... and I'm an alcoholic. By Augusten Burroughs

Truth is accuracy. Without accuracy, you can't expect to manifest large, specific changes in your life. By Augusten Burroughs

Smoking had become my favorite thing in the world to do. It was like having instant comfort, no matter where or when. By Augusten Burroughs

Delay is a gun pointed at the temple of confidence. By Augusten Burroughs

There's never a false note in a Berg novel. By Augusten Burroughs

He likes people because he likes to share in conversations. I like people when they have large checks for me. By Augusten Burroughs

Even when we lose an arm or a leg, there's not less of us but more. Human experience weighs more than human tissue. By Augusten Burroughs

My only ritual is to just sit down and write, write every day. By Augusten Burroughs

The past doesn't haunt us, we haunt the past. By Augusten Burroughs

I thought, This is how it feels inside the right decision. By Augusten Burroughs

I wanted to shove her typewriter on the floor. I hated it and I hated her. I wanted to be a Cosby. By Augusten Burroughs

If i wasn't an accident mustn't I be a crushing disappointment? By Augusten Burroughs

Writing has enriched my life in ways I never imaged. By Augusten Burroughs

There is helium in his tone of voice, a lightness that means mischief. By Augusten Burroughs

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. By Augusten Burroughs

After was better. Before was only there so After could happen. By Augusten Burroughs

Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people. By Augusten Burroughs

But I can also write in crappy motel rooms, while standing in line, or sitting in the dentist's chair. By Augusten Burroughs

See the anger for what it is: fuel. Pissed-off people can accomplish a lot if they don't just spray their rage fuel all over the place By Augusten Burroughs

As my friend Amy observed: "Divorce is like a Polaroid picture. What truly happened will develop over time and you will see. By Augusten Burroughs

The horrible thing about being sober is you lose your excuse for being so fucked up. By Augusten Burroughs

I never listen to music when I write. By Augusten Burroughs

I was like a packet of powdered Sea Monkeys and they were like water. By Augusten Burroughs

My subconscious does the writing; I don't have control over that. By Augusten Burroughs

The dark side of blogging is, of course, people can be (and are) just savage and uncivilized, deeply cruel and fully unaccountable. By Augusten Burroughs

Before I'm a writer, I'm definitely a reader and when I read memoir, I really want it to be true. By Augusten Burroughs

I hate feelings. Why does sobriety have to come with feelings? By Augusten Burroughs

Memorization is not the same as remembering. By Augusten Burroughs

I once read about a guy who lost his arms in a fire. The nurse took pity on him and gave him a hand job. I don't even get that. By Augusten Burroughs

And that was one thing I didn't want: NO CASUAL SEX. I thought it was disgusting, the idea of just screwing around and then that's it. By Augusten Burroughs

I was in advertising for years. That was cushy, you know? It's pretty cushy in a lot of ways, but I hated it. By Augusten Burroughs

No wonder I had found that woman so offensive. Sometimes things feel that bad. Sometimes you just feel like shit. By Augusten Burroughs

My brother was born without taste or the desire to be professionally lit. By Augusten Burroughs

I tend to really enjoy being swept up in fiction. I love a good story and I admire fiction authors. By Augusten Burroughs

Because all of us are made not only of what we have but what we lost. And loss is not a subtraction. As an experience, it is an addition. By Augusten Burroughs

If you don't like smoking don't even bother getting sober, just stay drunk. By Augusten Burroughs

We haven't slept together. But we've napped By Augusten Burroughs

You deserve to need me, not to have me. By Augusten Burroughs

I'm tired of living in the shallow end of the pool. By Augusten Burroughs

I think you're healthy in certain ways, and I think you're a pathetic disaster in others. By Augusten Burroughs

I was not living but actively dying. By Augusten Burroughs

Love is a helium-based emotion; Love always takes the high road. By Augusten Burroughs

It's weird - sort of not terribly wise - to take a book that was successful and then change its cover. By Augusten Burroughs

There's not enough of me left over. By Augusten Burroughs

And I tend to listen to NPR when I'm not writing. By Augusten Burroughs

The problem with not having anybody to tell you what to do, I understood, is that there was nobody to tell you what not to do. By Augusten Burroughs

Once I decided to write, to be published, I knew it would happen. By Augusten Burroughs

It turned out I had always been a smoker. I just hadn't had any cigarettes. By Augusten Burroughs

He was furious that the music house wanted forty grand. He wanted us to Jew them down By Augusten Burroughs

How can you really miss something when you never experienced it? By Augusten Burroughs

Signs with missing letters can only mean bad things. By Augusten Burroughs

The events of the past cannot be fully understood when you are the only element of the past actively engaged in reliving it. By Augusten Burroughs

Olives are the wishbones of the cocktail world; rarely are they freely passed along to somebody else. By Augusten Burroughs

Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth By Augusten Burroughs

If you loathe your job, the situation is improved if you can do it in your underwear. Drunk. By Augusten Burroughs

Give that mint Milano back, you bitch. If you can't at least be polite, you don't get a treat. By Augusten Burroughs

It wasn't like he was holding me so much as trying to hold onto something. By Augusten Burroughs

Give me down. And give me the Polaroids of the fifty geese that had to die in the process. By Augusten Burroughs

I understand why sometimes people speak in cliches because sometimes there is no other way to describe something. By Augusten Burroughs

I wish I had a tray table in my bedroom and I wish I smoked, just so I could extinguish my smoking materials By Augusten Burroughs

Trying is not the same as being. Trying flies in a circle around the moment and *being* is inside of it. By Augusten Burroughs

George had been surprised by my ability to leave him. He had not seen that in me. By Augusten Burroughs

Applause is a constant thing in AA. It's how we buy drinks for each other. By Augusten Burroughs

You know, American alcoholics are pretty fucking hard to insult. By Augusten Burroughs

Speaking the words aloud so they would exist in the world and begin to become real. By Augusten Burroughs

How many of the things I fear or dread are actually things that I want? By Augusten Burroughs

Truthfulness itself is almost medication, even when it's served without advice or insight. By Augusten Burroughs

As charming as the room was, I knew it wouldn't work for me. I do not need charming. I need to be online, at all times. I need surge protection. By Augusten Burroughs

I'm always prepared for the worst. By Augusten Burroughs

Imperfections are attractive when their owners are happy with them. By Augusten Burroughs