Explore a treasure trove of wisdom and insight from Groucho Marx through their most impactful and thought-provoking quotes and sayings. Broaden your horizons with their inspiring words and share these beautiful quote pictures from Groucho Marx with your friends and followers on popular social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blog - all free of charge. Delve into our collection of the top 284 Groucho Marx quotes, handpicked for you to discover and share with others.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed ... But we're going back next week. By Groucho Marx

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth" By Groucho Marx

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. By Groucho Marx

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious. By Groucho Marx

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me By Groucho Marx

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake. By Groucho Marx

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up By Groucho Marx

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. By Groucho Marx

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. By Groucho Marx

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed. By Groucho Marx

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'. By Groucho Marx

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face. By Groucho Marx

I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time. By Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does By Groucho Marx

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going. By Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. By Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. By Groucho Marx

I'll never forget my wedding day ... they threw vitamin pills By Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. By Groucho Marx

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor. By Groucho Marx

You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. By Groucho Marx

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. By Groucho Marx

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago ... I shot my broker. By Groucho Marx

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. By Groucho Marx

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. By Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. By Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. By Groucho Marx

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? By Groucho Marx

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast. By Groucho Marx

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid. By Groucho Marx

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery? By Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? By Groucho Marx

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera! By Groucho Marx

Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it. By Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. By Groucho Marx

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing By Groucho Marx

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar By Groucho Marx

He [Harpo] loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have. By Groucho Marx

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill. By Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. By Groucho Marx

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does. By Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. By Groucho Marx

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book ... I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right. By Groucho Marx

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! By Groucho Marx

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself. By Groucho Marx

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit ... retire! By Groucho Marx

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? By Groucho Marx

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say. By Groucho Marx

Budget: a way of going broke methodically By Groucho Marx

Africa is God's country, and He can have it. By Groucho Marx

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you. By Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.[A Night at the Opera] By Groucho Marx

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it By Groucho Marx

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going. By Groucho Marx

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. By Groucho Marx

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days. By Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. By Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them. By Groucho Marx

I'll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18. By Groucho Marx

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal. By Groucho Marx

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy. By Groucho Marx

I hate London when it's not raining. By Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. By Groucho Marx

That's bad luck: three on a midget. By Groucho Marx

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan. By Groucho Marx

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl. By Groucho Marx

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man. By Groucho Marx

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! By Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. By Groucho Marx

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man. By Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. By Groucho Marx

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather! By Groucho Marx

Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement By Groucho Marx

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue) By Groucho Marx

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa By Groucho Marx

Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you. By Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.) By Groucho Marx

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old By Groucho Marx

The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse. By Groucho Marx

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in. By Groucho Marx

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! By Groucho Marx

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs By Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. By Groucho Marx

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world. By Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet! By Groucho Marx

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one. By Groucho Marx

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight. By Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook. By Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. By Groucho Marx

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's. By Groucho Marx

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From At The Circus By Groucho Marx

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me. By Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. By Groucho Marx

Blood's not thicker than money. By Groucho Marx

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. By Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. By Groucho Marx

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? By Groucho Marx

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did. By Groucho Marx

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made. By Groucho Marx

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. By Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. By Groucho Marx

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel. By Groucho Marx

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees? By Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. By Groucho Marx

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own. By Groucho Marx

What have future generations ever done for us? By Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! By Groucho Marx

He thinks I look alike! By Groucho Marx

Goodreads is where introverts unite. By Groucho Marx

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! By Groucho Marx

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have! By Groucho Marx

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff. By Groucho Marx

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off! By Groucho Marx

Do you mind if I don't smoke? By Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. By Groucho Marx

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added By Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. By Groucho Marx

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling. By Groucho Marx

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while By Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. By Groucho Marx

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. By Groucho Marx

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life By Groucho Marx

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house. By Groucho Marx

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there. By Groucho Marx

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it. By Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them ... well I have others. By Groucho Marx

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar. By Groucho Marx

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world. By Groucho Marx

If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan. By Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. By Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. By Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. By Groucho Marx

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon. By Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. By Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. By Groucho Marx

I'll teach you to kick me ... 'You don't need to teach meI already know how! By Groucho Marx

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. By Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. By Groucho Marx

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast. By Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. By Groucho Marx

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while By Groucho Marx

But what makes wage slaves? Wages! By Groucho Marx

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge By Groucho Marx

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor. By Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. By Groucho Marx

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream. By Groucho Marx

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. By Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. By Groucho Marx

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong. By Groucho Marx

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it. By Groucho Marx

I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member By Groucho Marx

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement. By Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. By Groucho Marx

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers. By Groucho Marx

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week. By Groucho Marx

If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you! By Groucho Marx

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls. By Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene, not heard. By Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. By Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. By Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. By Groucho Marx

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor. By Groucho Marx

Patience is the art of finding something else to do. By Groucho Marx

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood By Groucho Marx

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. By Groucho Marx

All people are born alike ... except Republicans and Democrats. By Groucho Marx

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team. By Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad. By Groucho Marx

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member. By Groucho Marx

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks. By Groucho Marx

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement. By Groucho Marx

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham. By Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. By Groucho Marx

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. By Groucho Marx

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old. By Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. By Groucho Marx

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you By Groucho Marx

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know. By Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. By Groucho Marx

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made. By Groucho Marx

How would you like to feel the way she looks By Groucho Marx

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free! By Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution? By Groucho Marx

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking. By Groucho Marx

A very interesting theory makes no sense at all. By Groucho Marx

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. By Groucho Marx

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?""Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers! By Groucho Marx

Hello, I must be going. By Groucho Marx

Only if the computers really love each other. By Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. By Groucho Marx

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx. By Groucho Marx

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you? By Groucho Marx

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. By Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx This is not a book that should be set aside lightly - it should be flung with great force. By Groucho Marx

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy By Groucho Marx

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name. By Groucho Marx

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. By Groucho Marx

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills By Groucho Marx

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket. By Groucho Marx

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any. By Groucho Marx

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down By Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. By Groucho Marx

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first. By Groucho Marx

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now. By Groucho Marx

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip By Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. By Groucho Marx

I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it. By Groucho Marx

Anything that can't be done in bed isn't worth doing at all. By Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. By Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. By Groucho Marx

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members. By Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. By Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. By Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. By Groucho Marx

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much By Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. By Groucho Marx

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. By Groucho Marx

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns By Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say. By Groucho Marx

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference. By Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. By Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that. By Groucho Marx

You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer. By Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men the other 999 follow women. By Groucho Marx

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters. By Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? By Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. By Groucho Marx

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book. By Groucho Marx

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach. By Groucho Marx

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you. By Groucho Marx

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now By Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. By Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. By Groucho Marx

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. By Groucho Marx

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket By Groucho Marx

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops. By Groucho Marx

I hope they bury me near a strait man By Groucho Marx

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman By Groucho Marx

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves. By Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard. By Groucho Marx

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces By Groucho Marx

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. By Groucho Marx

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure. By Groucho Marx

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind. By Groucho Marx

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you. By Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. By Groucho Marx

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove By Groucho Marx

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me. By Groucho Marx

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. By Groucho Marx

Always examine the dice. By Groucho Marx

All geniuses die young. By Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again. By Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. By Groucho Marx

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose. By Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. By Groucho Marx

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face By Groucho Marx

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere. By Groucho Marx

The only real laughter comes from despair. By Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying. By Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy By Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the woman he feels. By Groucho Marx

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way By Groucho Marx

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted By Groucho Marx

Any place I hang my head is home. By Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. By Groucho Marx

Boogey boogey boogey By Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member By Groucho Marx

TV is the rat race of the century. By Groucho Marx

I must admit, I was born at an early age. By Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. By Groucho Marx

My mother loved children she would have given anything if I had been one. By Groucho Marx

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it. By Groucho Marx

Time wounds all heels. By Groucho Marx

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed. By Groucho Marx

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky. By Groucho Marx

Whatever it is, I'm against it. By Groucho Marx

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are. By Groucho Marx

I only write first editions. By Groucho Marx

You're only as young as the woman you feel. By Groucho Marx

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy By Groucho Marx

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself. By Groucho Marx

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read. By Groucho Marx

Was that you or the duck? By Groucho Marx

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. By Groucho Marx