List Of Top 355 Jarod Kintz

Explore a treasure trove of wisdom and insight from Jarod Kintz through their most impactful and thought-provoking quotes and sayings. Broaden your horizons with their inspiring words and share these beautiful quote pictures from Jarod Kintz with your friends and followers on popular social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blog - all free of charge. Delve into our collection of the top 355 Jarod Kintz quotes, handpicked for you to discover and share with others.

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I had to quit lifting weights because people suspected I was using steroids. Nope. My penis is naturally this small. By Jarod Kintz
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I'm drinking your reply. Maybe isn't too hot or cold, so I'm chugging it. By Jarod Kintz
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A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it's so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman. By Jarod Kintz
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I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive. By Jarod Kintz
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My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I'm way too out of shape to see fit. By Jarod Kintz
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I work for the nod syndicate. It's a sleepy job. If I'm caught not sleeping on the job, I'll get fired. By Jarod Kintz
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I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he'd already stripped off his red and white striped sweater and was all sweaty. By Jarod Kintz
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When I first heard merry-go-round, I thought, "Does she? I didn't know Mary was a slut. By Jarod Kintz
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I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you're going to have to buy the clothes on my body. By Jarod Kintz
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I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time. By Jarod Kintz
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I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle - without even working out! By Jarod Kintz
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A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won't start your car. By Jarod Kintz
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An ideal first date should involve things like a candle-lit dinner, soft music, and a binary anal defibrillator, with a guest appearance by Renaldo. By Jarod Kintz
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I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own land, but I want to own the oceans. By Jarod Kintz
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I don't know what's in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope. By Jarod Kintz
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Love is communicating. I'm sorry, mime, but I only lust you. By Jarod Kintz
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The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery. By Jarod Kintz
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And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up. By Jarod Kintz
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A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it's healthier than Gatorade. By Jarod Kintz
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My new book is going well. It's practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I'm not writing it, my clone is. By Jarod Kintz
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I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that's OK, because I like ice water. By Jarod Kintz
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Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I'm a leader - a leader of one with followers of none. By Jarod Kintz
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A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you're going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet. By Jarod Kintz
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It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That's when we met, and that's when I knew it was love, two years before. By Jarod Kintz
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The basketball team was trailing by three points. I trail by four points - north, south, east, and west. I also trail by covered wagon. By Jarod Kintz
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I'm putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I'm more like clay. By Jarod Kintz
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I'd rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It's homemade. By Jarod Kintz
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The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words. By Jarod Kintz
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I wish I had money now. If only I'd saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies. By Jarod Kintz
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When I'm competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top. By Jarod Kintz
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Wealth - one billion, two billion, what's the difference? The difference is one billion - the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion. By Jarod Kintz
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I told the cops I've been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery. By Jarod Kintz
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I want to move to Hollywood and audition for parts just so I can say, I'm not an actor. I just play one on TV. By Jarod Kintz
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I'm on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I'm driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour. Oh, if only love were so easy to calculate. By Jarod Kintz
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She was dressed as a nearly invisible shower, wearing only a raincoat, and I sold her an umbrella that would shield her from heavenly I love yous. By Jarod Kintz
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My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She's tied up in the trunk this very moment. By Jarod Kintz
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Networking isn't synonymous with partying. If you're doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison. By Jarod Kintz
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Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young. By Jarod Kintz
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A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn't leave their wallets in their pants. By Jarod Kintz
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Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn't enjoy the second. By Jarod Kintz
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Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected. By Jarod Kintz
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In flew influence, and out fluttered humility. Be like a butterfly and a flower - beautiful and sought after, yet unassuming and gentle. By Jarod Kintz
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Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink. By Jarod Kintz
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My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body. By Jarod Kintz
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I'd kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don't have any friends. By Jarod Kintz
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She gave me her bedroom eyes. I know because we were in the kitchen at the time. I hope we're having pigs in a blanket. Yum! By Jarod Kintz
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I'll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I'll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one. By Jarod Kintz
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The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money. By Jarod Kintz
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Her name is Coy. She's shy, and I found her in my pond. By Jarod Kintz
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I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably. By Jarod Kintz
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Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It's huge! It's nearly half as long as my penis. By Jarod Kintz
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I'll put an oven mitt on before I handle anything hot - including my penis. By Jarod Kintz
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I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.) By Jarod Kintz
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If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither? By Jarod Kintz
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If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you've never dreamed of and never wanted. By Jarod Kintz
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He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all over it. By Jarod Kintz
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A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels. By Jarod Kintz
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You can share in my joy, but I don't want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all. By Jarod Kintz
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Revenge seeks its pound of flesh. That's one fifth of my erection. By Jarod Kintz
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I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it's better to sneak out. By Jarod Kintz
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The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you. By Jarod Kintz
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There's an old saying in swimming - "Don't drown." At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it's all gold. By Jarod Kintz
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If I replaced my ears with conch shells, would you surf on the sound waves? By Jarod Kintz
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Blankets could be used as billboards on buildings, especially hotels, if you write things like, "Free sex with room." By Jarod Kintz
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I got my windshield replaced for no apparent reason. So now I have a new windshield that looks exactly like my old one, only cleaner. By Jarod Kintz
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A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin. By Jarod Kintz
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I'm looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don't snuggle, you must cuddle - at a world champion level. By Jarod Kintz
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Writing all day every day is good, but it's not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too. By Jarod Kintz
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Everyone is a salesman, and the product is each person. Personal branding is being conscious to the continual nature of selling yourself. By Jarod Kintz
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Feel free to become a slave to your own clone. And mine. Remember, you can never have too many lovers who look exactly the same as me. By Jarod Kintz
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People think I'm all gloom and doom all the time. I'm not. I also have bad days where I'm pessimistic. By Jarod Kintz
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The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That's why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law. By Jarod Kintz
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I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I'm going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive in a bad mood. By Jarod Kintz
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She didn't just disappear from my life - she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer's, I will never forget it. By Jarod Kintz
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I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals - including politicians. By Jarod Kintz
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The only thing that can tame and temper love is love. Also syphilis. By Jarod Kintz
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I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn't entirely clear to me. By Jarod Kintz
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I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little). By Jarod Kintz
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To catch affection, try being efficient by using a fishing net. You can't sit back and wait for romance to grow on trees. By Jarod Kintz
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I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste. By Jarod Kintz
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Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming. By Jarod Kintz
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As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I'll pen our love story, if you'll be my co-author. By Jarod Kintz
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What's with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed. By Jarod Kintz
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I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong? By Jarod Kintz
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We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn't grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was playing cribbage in the nursing home. By Jarod Kintz
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Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity. By Jarod Kintz
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He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.) By Jarod Kintz
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A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer. By Jarod Kintz
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I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window. By Jarod Kintz
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I'll leave the door unlocked. Be sure to ring the doorbell before you climb in through the window. By Jarod Kintz
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If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to keep quiet and wear loud clothing. By Jarod Kintz
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A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market. By Jarod Kintz
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Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It's tough because they're slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen. By Jarod Kintz
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Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won't stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick wall. By Jarod Kintz
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Human hands are great for waving hello, waving goodbye, and for making love alone in front of a cheering audience of paying spectators. By Jarod Kintz
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I'll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan. By Jarod Kintz
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A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don't know how exactly, because I'm not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair. By Jarod Kintz
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I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she'll be displeased, because she didn't know I had a girlfriend. By Jarod Kintz
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My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart. By Jarod Kintz
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I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your life. By Jarod Kintz
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I don't need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning label on the package. By Jarod Kintz
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Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good. By Jarod Kintz
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I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs. By Jarod Kintz
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When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose. By Jarod Kintz
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It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I'd gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls. By Jarod Kintz
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Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair. By Jarod Kintz
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Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand). By Jarod Kintz
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Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you're standing in a crowded room? By Jarod Kintz
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Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both - and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to. By Jarod Kintz
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I added five shots to my coffee, because that's all the bullets my magazine can hold. By Jarod Kintz
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My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping. By Jarod Kintz
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I'm angry as hell. I'm angry for all the people who should be angry but aren't, either because they're too stupid or too timid. By Jarod Kintz
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If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I'd think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me. By Jarod Kintz
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In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says? By Jarod Kintz
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Today I'm feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don't know what that means for my future, or as a word. By Jarod Kintz
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To show you how much I love you, I'd take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio. By Jarod Kintz
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If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample? By Jarod Kintz
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If trees had love, instead of leaves, I'd gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you. By Jarod Kintz
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Standing around making ten dollars an hour - that's what they pay me the big bucks for. By Jarod Kintz
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I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates. By Jarod Kintz
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I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time. By Jarod Kintz
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She told me to draw the curtains shut, so I grabbed my pencil and began to sketch. By Jarod Kintz
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Why pay for an undesirable outcome with someone else? For the same money, you could have paid me to stay at home and do nothing. By Jarod Kintz
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Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful. By Jarod Kintz
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Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I'm trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my bullshit. By Jarod Kintz
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Working the grill all those years, I just got burned out. By Jarod Kintz
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The Nile crashed in the Amazon while being piloted by Miss Ississippi. By Jarod Kintz
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If a university's colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets. By Jarod Kintz
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I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets. By Jarod Kintz
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In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment. By Jarod Kintz
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Dark Jar Tin Zoo's face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch's "The Scream," only less colorful. By Jarod Kintz
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I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home. By Jarod Kintz
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I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich. By Jarod Kintz
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Do or don't, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford. By Jarod Kintz
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My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque By Jarod Kintz
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Error is to err, as blanket is to blank. By Jarod Kintz
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Don't shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care. By Jarod Kintz
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If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a right-angled one? By Jarod Kintz
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I've been meaning to go shopping for boxing gloves, but I've been putting it off. I just need to knock it out and be done with it. By Jarod Kintz
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Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake. By Jarod Kintz
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I don't understand people who don't touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason. By Jarod Kintz
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I knew a woman named Hope once, and boy did she fill me with her first name. By Jarod Kintz
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If you're going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love. By Jarod Kintz
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I'm older now, which I can't help, but I'm also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings. By Jarod Kintz
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Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs. By Jarod Kintz
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Pride must be a summer thing, because it "comes before the fall. By Jarod Kintz
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Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I'd rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her? By Jarod Kintz
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My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them. By Jarod Kintz
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A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I'm sorry to have to tell you I'm sorry, but that's life, you know? By Jarod Kintz
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I was part of a sting operation. We busted some bees. By Jarod Kintz
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A Yes-man is always a somebody. Only a No-man is a nobody. By Jarod Kintz
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Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite. By Jarod Kintz
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I speak Spanish like I chew spinach - like it's dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench. By Jarod Kintz
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I need a bone saw - for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket. By Jarod Kintz
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A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming - and that you are warm. Where's the cold war when you need it? By Jarod Kintz
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I give you my love, and all I ask in return is room and board that includes three square meals a day. By Jarod Kintz
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A glazed banana peel is not for eating, it's for innuendo. By Jarod Kintz
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Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that - if I were two people. By Jarod Kintz
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He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he's not still hungry. If he is, I'll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream. By Jarod Kintz
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As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July. By Jarod Kintz
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Babies look better when they're all dressed up - in bacon. By Jarod Kintz
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Let my hand be a blanket for my penis. By Jarod Kintz
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I care for her about my mom like a Maggie (three Donalds per serving). By Jarod Kintz
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A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat's rough tongue. By Jarod Kintz
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Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant. By Jarod Kintz
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I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I'm lying down. By Jarod Kintz
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A blanket could be used to confuse and disorient. Think of it not as a bed adornment, but as a really big blindfold. By Jarod Kintz
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I want to give myself a ridiculous nickname. Something like "Knuckle Cock," only not so flowery and romantic sounding. By Jarod Kintz
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I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning. By Jarod Kintz
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Used is to sued, as brick is to Kricb, and that is such a profound observation on my part that I'm afraid I don't fully grasp it at the moment. By Jarod Kintz
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Blankets could be used to make perimeter walls, to keep out an invading army wielding pillows instead of swords. By Jarod Kintz
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I can read people like an open book, especially if their named Braille, and I'm in a touchy-feely mood. By Jarod Kintz
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Your veins are my worms. Want to go fishing? By Jarod Kintz
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I went for a walk and I stubbed my big toe. And my erection. By Jarod Kintz
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If somebody kills me, at least I won't be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis. By Jarod Kintz
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I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two. By Jarod Kintz
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John Nobody, a Nobody Inc. spokesperson, declined to comment. Or prove his existence or the existence of the company he may or may not represent. By Jarod Kintz
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I want to open a wheat/dairy factory. Bread and butter will be my bread and butter. By Jarod Kintz
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm just a kitten. By Jarod Kintz
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Even a broken mirror isn't broken if it allows you to see who you really are - cracked down the middle in your duality. By Jarod Kintz
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I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs. By Jarod Kintz
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Thanks, but my name is Gracias. By Jarod Kintz
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I had to put away my toy so it didn't get lost. After all, cats can't read maps or ask for directions, and they don't possess GPS. By Jarod Kintz
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I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I'm too tired to be me. By Jarod Kintz
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My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce? By Jarod Kintz
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The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn't hate, it's ignoringance. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000652415
When you're a cartographer, having to make maps sort of comes with the territory. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000652537
I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000657975
One Jarod's a lover, and one Jarod's a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000661397
The best part of the word "booboo" is the breast. While the word doesn't suck, it is quite suckable. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000667118
I'm as American as de Tocqueville. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000668246
I'm a bean counter. Oh, I'm not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000683319
I'm thinking about becoming a farmer and a fisherman - a hunter of swimming plants. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000685032
I didn't want to go, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to be invited. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000704542
I've got washboard abs. Go ahead, get rid of your dishwasher. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000710363
I belong to a secret order. We all have OCD, so you'd better believe we have order. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000716389
Prophesies are dark and don't need a flashlight to illuminate. I'm a bring my own lighthouse kind of lover. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000719818
What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000726326
A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000727173
I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow! By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000731169
I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000738476
The best way to deal with tiredness is to sleep it off. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000742358
I left Mermaid's Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000742365
My office window overlooks a parking lot. I've got the best view on the whole submarine. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000748939
I'd rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that's just the romantic me. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000756871
Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000759592
I made an agreement with the fish. They'd give up their lives, if I'd eat every one that died for me. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000763087
Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000765051
A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it's everything a politician isn't. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000767260
If I were a parent, I would feel like nudity should not be on the back of any magazine. No, it should be on the front. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000767707
I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000770151
When you see my skill with a brick, you'll think I'm skilled under the blanket. But I'm not. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000773810
I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That'd make me piss like a champion. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000773813
To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000776130
I need to convince John to convince Jim to convince Jason that I don't need convincing. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000779131
If you want me, you'd better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000779134
When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, "You want me to wear a condom?! By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000780168
I am the love machine of desire. I'm easy to operate. Just pull on my lever. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000784520
A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I'm proof that it works. It's how I managed to get second to last in my last race. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000787439
A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don't mean it. When I say go, Don't! By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000787774
I carry my love over, and I carry over the two when we multiply. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000790541
I wear my shirts backwards and inside out. It helps give my genitals more breathing room. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000795310
I am who I've been pretending to be my whole life. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000796916
When I get angry I tend to raise my voice - with a forklift. Hang on to my handlebar mustache if you want me to peddle faster. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000797624
I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me while I'm making it. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000798165
I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000800783
I am the broth of love. Make soup to me. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000803118
I'll tell you, I go absolutely bananas for phallic-shaped fruit. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000804487
I feel like I'm late for love. I'll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000806410
I'd rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000812611
I was fashionably late in my unfashionable clothes. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000814334
Reflecting on myself - it can be introspective, depending on if I'm standing in front of a mirror at that moment or not. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000821837
It's possible that I couldn't handle the truth, but I sure wouldn't mind fondling it to find out. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000822605
I hate noise pollution. Get that filthy soda can out of my ear! By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000826391
(Picture of a pirate standing on a treasure chest) It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000829201
It was a cover up. I could tell by the dust jacket. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000832572
I ate a slice of humble pie, and it tasted like apples. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000835631
For me, it's not about winning an award. It's also about not even being nominated. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000838934
Today you win, and tomorrow I'll steal your trophy. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000841018
Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000841564
A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn't always better. Don't you want to make love better? By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000849207
The book "Little Women," what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000852673
I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover's hair. Of course they weren't, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000856125
I'm a lion in my environment. But take me out of my cage, and I'm a lamb. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000858577
If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man? By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000860231
I'm not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000860788
The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000869800
In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts of her body. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000873810
I'm a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn't even try! I simply waited. I'll bet I could even do it in my sleep. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000874807
I am the chef of love. Let me utilize your oven. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000875305
I don't deceive myself. No, I get my clones to do it for me. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000878229
Turn the fan off when I'm talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I'm saying. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000882082
If love were orange, like an apple, there'd be nothing to compare it to. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000883999
Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process? By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000891581
I can take care of myself, but I can't take care of myself and a child. I've decided to give myself up for adoption. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000897931
Probably when people hear our national anthem they think of me. A real American hero. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000899160
I should create a TV show called 61 Minutes. It'll be like 60 Minutes - only more. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000899787
My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000917428
I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that's to be expected, since she is a roofer. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000922782
You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000922969
I'm wearing the costume of a customer, and it smells cheap. Can you pass me the coupons, please? By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000923731
A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I'd suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000924669
Alzheimer's is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what's been stolen. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000925938
Acne is nothing more than nature's Braille. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000929139
Meet the Robinsoons - but meet them later. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000935177
Be that as it may, it may be maybe By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000935840
A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don't need it, because I know my sexual orientation - north! By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000936287
Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I'm a person like those people. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000936604
The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000939748
My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherever they are going. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000947033
The US is about to go all Billy the Kid. Inflation is going to keep shooting up. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000950362
I stole the y, and what was yours is now ours. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000951203
A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn't mean one is good and the other is bad. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000954278
Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000954362
Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they're different sizes. And I don't put them in shoes - I store them in glass jars in my basement. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000956725
You can read until you're blue in the face, but I'd recommend writing until you're red in the face. And ass. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000960559
Sharks are so stupid. They swam right up to the boat, and they couldn't even tell that I was chumming the water with ketchup, rather than blood. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000967633
A brick could be used instead of a red light. They're both red, and I'd run both with equal fervor. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000968718
I'm not that afraid of heights. I've been 7,000 feet above sea level. Just so long as the land is flat, with no sudden drop-offs, I'm fine. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000969490
I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn't get my fingerprints on his fingerprints. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000971578
A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000974980
Trophies are clutter at best, and weapons at worst. I prefer my awards heavy and with handles. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000976121
Gnome money is better than no money, but just by a few feet. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000976736
Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000979181
There are few things in this world I have left to hang on to, and one of them is my ball sack. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000984496
I'm like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000996936
I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 000997436
I made a mistake, but I didn't beat myself up about it. No, I beat up my clone. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001002314
Get off the scale, and get out of my weigh. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001004594
Make love like you just stole it. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001006998
Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001007564
The sign on the side of the highway said "Shoulder Work," and I thought, "I could go for a massage right now." So I pulled over. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001014641
I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That's one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001016219
I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal! By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001018282
I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I'd order take out. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001022359
I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001027350
As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001027584
It's better to say something too little, than nothing too much. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001034792
The future is right around the corner from a bar called, "Yesterdays." I know, I work there every tomorrow. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001035044
I don't like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001046574
A brick could be used in a smash and grab. Well, at least in the smashing aspect. A blanket would be more suited to the grab role. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001064235
I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001068324
She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn't want to stir things up. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001068958
I like to spoon after I fork. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001069463
With me and my girl, I'm number one - and she's the index finger. We're the same, but I go where she points. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001070655
I drive a car that's covered in fur, because before the automobile, there was the horse. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001071529
Artists have to have a good eye. And to be great, I'd recommend having two. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001071554
I prefer to let my voice do all the talking for me. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001073184
Don't step on my toes. Especially if I'm walking on my hands. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001074889
Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001075702
I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001076351
If you don't speak Greek, how do you know if it's all Greek to you? By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001077755
If it's dangerous, then you go first. If it's pleasurable, then I'll be brave and lead the charge. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001079655
I prefer statues silent, rather than of ears with tongues sticking out and licking out loudly. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001084350
I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001084355
A being of light for a pet wouldn't be furry, but it would keep you warm - and awake at night. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001085643
Did I spell the word "did" right? Of course not! I got my D's mixed up. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001086321
Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else's nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001087875
I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001094669
I'm so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that'd be a couple, and couple's can't be lonely. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001097815
A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001098200
I call masturbating "Gregging," named not after a man named Greg, but a guy named Dave. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001100780
A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001107324
My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001107573
Sometimes I'll forget a utensil's name, and I'll say, "Give me that pointy thing," as I point with my pointy finger. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001109095
I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I'm not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001119290
I ate the evidence he'd been murdered. What Carl called "Kevin," I called dinner. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001120678
I'm older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001122221
Anything more than 5/10ths makes me tense By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001127575
Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001128585
To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person's not a little impulsive, they don't have a pulse. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001130553
If I were to open a corner store, I'd call it 90 Degrees. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001133383
If your TV is broken, don't get a new one - get a new hobby: reading. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001134866
A blanket could be used like cloud cover By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001134867
I want to own a wind farm. Don't breathe, or you'll undermine the price of my crop. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001140069
See men run. Semen swim. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001144418
I don't just want to be the best in my field, I also want to be the greenest. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001149128
My advice to aspiring writers is to read more, write more, and network more. More, more, and more. Then, after you've done all that, do it some more. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001151412
My face doesn't match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001152556
I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001153873
I don't believe in astronomy. Or is it astrology? I always get those two confused. But I'll tell you, that Copernicus was full of shit. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001162931
Women are called the fairer sex. Are they just not as tan, or are they actually more reasonable? By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001169821
Love is, just like isn't isn't is. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001170424
The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001172850
I'm too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn't be productive, I'd be reproductive. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001175031
Love rules the world. Like a tyrant. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001179786
I'm 20 miles from 200 miles from nowhere. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001181570
I've got an up-to-the-minute block of 60 seconds. It's on the kitchen counter thawing out at this very moment. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001182145
Well excuse me! How was I supposed to know that a pink baseball cap with a dildo glued on top isn't a "hard hat"? By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001182570
The cause isn't worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001190735
Love is like looking over a cliff. You didn't fall. I pushed you. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001193917
Life is short. But so are midgets. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001205381
I shit bricks, because I'm a constructive pooper. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001205502
I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like. By Jarod Kintz
 Quotes : pic 001211219
In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed. By Jarod Kintz
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